tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
