im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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