youre lurking in front of me
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
