I faked an abortion last night.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
