no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
