u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
