someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
