He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
