I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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