One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
