I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
we're so committed to being not committed
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
