How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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