I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
