Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
