hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
