i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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