I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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