The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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