She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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