i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
