I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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