he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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