She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
