Define "chronic" masturbator.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
