Pappa wants mamma naked
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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