OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
