May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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