I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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