How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
