There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
