I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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