make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
