dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
