My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
