hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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