It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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