so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
