Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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