Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When did angry sex become our thing?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
