You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
