I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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