You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Girls should come with a carfax report
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
