i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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