dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
