Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Someone shit on the floor
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Randomize
