Can i not drive my cunt home
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
