she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
