So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
