I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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