he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
