It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
