went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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